October First

Today is a day that has some deep significance in my life. October 1st is a day that I remember for more than one reason.

October 1, 1896. This is my Dad's birthday. If he were alive today, that would make him 113 years old.He died of a stroke on March 16, 1958. He was only 61 years old when he died. I was ten. I have always felt a profound sense of loss for not having him longer. My Father was a well-respected businessman, a great Father, neighbor and friend. In the fifty plus years since his death, numerous times I have had people tell me they knew my Dad and what a great man he was. I sometime feel cheated that I didn't have him here longer to mentor, guide, and love me. It was a different time in 1958. We were not allowed to talk about his death. We were discouraged from showing any emotion about his passing. His death caused a split in the family, one that was not mended, at least partially, for over forty years. I don't know for sure but I attribute at least some of my weaknesses to the fact he was not there.

Although I was always one of the tallest kids at school, after he died I really started to struggle with my weight. Food became a very important part of my life. I ate too much, but while I was younger, I was active enough that I was only marginally to perhaps moderately overweight through my school years. After I got married that seemed to change. The weight piled on. In 1975 just after Lizzie was born, I joined Weight Watchers. I weighed in at 293lbs. I was embarrassed beyond recall. In the space of about 9 months, I lost 100 lbs. I kept it off for about 2 years but then the old habits returned and I started gaining again. By the early 80's, I was over 300lbs. I went to the Diet Center. again I lost over 100 lbs. Again the weight started back. A couple of years later I tried a medically supervised fast. Again I lost over 100lbs. But each time I lost, the weight came back faster than before and usually about a 20% increase. Phen-fen came and went. I lost about 80 lbs. that time and re-gained about 100lbs in the twinkling of an eye. I stayed at around 370 lbs for a few years. I had always wondered if there was a maximum weight for me. A level beyond which I would not go. When hanging around the 370-375lb. level for a few years I thought I had found the answer. Then about 3 years ago, I decided I wanted to go to Alaska and work in the summer. This would necessitate losing some weight, so I went back to weight watchers. In the space of about 5months I dropped about 60 lbs and felt pretty good. I left for Alaska but returned withing a few weeks because of several concerns, not the least of which was my physical condition and the ability to do my job. I came home and although I tried to watch what I was eating, The weight began to return. I worked in Park City for the Winter and wanted to return to Alaska and try again. I did return to Alaska and again lasted only a few weeks.. This time, however, the reason I came home was mainly I was scared that I couldn't do the job because of my obesity that in turn leads to terrible insecurity and in my case wanting to be a full-time recluse. It is quite difficult being a tour-guide and a recluse at the same time. Lots of factors come into play when it comes to obesity. My fathers death when I was only 10 years old was not the sole cause of my weight problems, but I am sure it had some effect in this area. I still think of food when I am tired, lonely, bored, upset, discouraged, etc. I think for over 50 years, food was one of my best friends.

FAST FORWARD October 01, 2008

Another important October 1st.

7 A.M. I enter LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City , Utah. In just under 2 hours I will under go elective surgery.I officially weigh 402 lbs. I was as High as 412.5 lbs about 10 days earlier but dropped about 10 lbs before surgery at the surgeon's request. It makes it easier for the Dr. to work around the liver. I am having an RNY. It is Gastric By-pass surgery. They will take my stomach which is now about the size of Rhode Island and cut it to the size no larger than a golf ball. The opening from my esophagus to the new stomach will be the size of a dime. I will have seven incisions in my heretofore unscathed(except where Rhonda has scratched me in fits of passion over the many years) chest. There should have been only six incisions but they found my gall bladder diseased so they took it out for free. I was in surgery for about one hour. I went to the recovery room for a couple of hours. When I started coming out of the anesthesia, I thought someone in there was suffering from terminal turrets syndrome, but then I realized it was my voice. I'm glad Rhonda and the Bishop were not in there. They then took me to my room. I would spend the night in the hospital. That was a first for me. I had never been hospitalized before in my life. The next day I went home. Rhonda took me home and I sure she was wondering just as I was, what had I gotten myself into. Please bear in mind this was not a spur of the moment decision. I had be researching, studying, and learning as much as I could about weight loss surgery for about 4 or 5 years. It was not a decision that was easy to come by.. People have had bad complications from this surgery. People have died from it. Your life changes forever because of it. That being said, let me give you an Update:

October 1, 2009. My one year surgiversary. I have lost approximately 170 lbs. My shirt size has gone from a 5xl to a XL. My pants size has gone form 56w to 42w. My shoe has gone from 12 1/2 to 11. I am now able to wear my Dad's wedding ring from his first marriage. I am still losing weight although at a much slower rate. I'm now losing 1/2 to 1lb. per week in contrast to last winter when I was dropping 5-7 lbs per week. I would like to continue losing about another 30 lbs.

Am I cured of my food addiction? Absolutely not. But this is the best tool I have ever had to help me. If I eat too much, I throw up. I threw up about 50 times the first 6 months. If I do not chew enough, I throw up. If I eat the wrong things, I throw up. The throwing up has diminished greatly the last few months although I still hurl when I see a picture of Barbara Streisand or have to listen to Neil Diamond singing Christmas songs.

I still have mental and physical issues with food. I struggle at night time. I miss ice cream, cake, pasta and other things. My diet now is supposed to be about 70% protein and 30% vegetables. I need to stay away carbs and refined sugar. No more soft drinks. EVER. Fruit is something to be avoided. Per Doctor's orders, I have incorporated a little bit of some of these less than desirable foods back into my diet, but I have to be very careful. My treat for the week is at Sacrament Meeting. When looking over the bread tray, I will try to go for the biggest piece or see if it looks like two or more pieces are stuck together. I don't care if it is white, whole wheat, stale or fresh, it is one of the highlights of the week, not just from a religious standpoint.
I eat lots of fish now. I love it. I generally don't like steak or chicken, although I will try some about once a month. Hamburger is OK. I'm tired of cheese and eggs although I tolerate them well. I also do very well with pork cracklings. (Pig skin and pig fat). Also I eat a small portion of Wendy's Chili several times a week. I am learning the concept of eating to live, not living to eat.

My sleep apnea is gone, my blood pressure which ranged generally around 155/90 while taking two medications for it now averages 105/65 just by taking one very low dose medication. My back no longer bothers me. I don't get Charley horses in my legs and feet anymore. My edema is 90% gone. Routines and habits of a personal nature are better than they have been in 20 plus years. Mentally, I have not been this well for years and years and years. I do not dread most social occasions, I enjoy going into stores. I have to go to the grocery every week,because I do all my own cooking. Rhonda has not cooked for me in 365 days. As a family, we all went to Disneyland several months ago. I could not even dreamed of it a year ago. I rode all the rides. I kept up with everyone and I did not suffer from fixating over food. If I die tomorrow, the last six months have been worth it. My family has been very supportive in this endeavor and other than my immediate family, my Stake President ,and Katie's Mom and Pop-in-law, I told no one I was having this procedure done. I had done my homework and I didn't want to hear all the reasons from people who would try to talk me out of it. Is bariartric surgery for everybody? I doubt it. It takes a major commitment to change. It is a decision not to be made lightly or with undue pressure from well-meaning but ill-informed friends and relatives.

October 1, 2009

Another important October 1st. Rhonda, Annie, Dan and I are leaving today for France and Italy today. Again, something that was unthinkable just a year ago is very much a reality now. I do not need a seat belt extender. I have ordered a special meal(seafood) for the flight. I do not have to be concerned about extending my oversize girth out of my seating area into another passenger. I was worried once when I flew on Southwest that I would be designated as a COS(airline jargon for customer or size..I.E. too large for one seat)and be charged for a second seat. (this is Southwest's policy). I will fit nicely now. I am really excited to go. Life is good.

Where will the next years take me? I'm not sure. I'm still VERY worried about regaining weight. I still struggle with the mental addiction to food. I still think some about what I'm not eating and sometimes feel sorry for myself. But things are good right now and I believe I can handle it on a day to day basis.

I've included some pictures of myself. Some were taken on 9/29/08 and some on 9/29/09. I'll let you take a look at them and see if you can decide which were taken on which dates.


P.S. I hated that suit even when it was new. It is a size 60.

P.P.S. I couldn't have done this without Rhonda.