Baghdad in Colorado

Just a quick update on my latest road trip/fact-finding excursion to Colorado. It was grandson Mikey's 6th birthday so Rhonda and I made another foray into yuppie-ville. We had a great time. Shawn and Liz are excellent at hosting free-loaders. Anna, however needs to work on sharing the remote control. We went on some scenic drives, had too-much birthday cake but we didn't get arrested or hospitalized. Mikey had a great time. There were about 40 or 50 people at the birthday party. Most of them were friends from Shawn's work and members of their ward.

Sometime around the time we were in the church mode, Liz told us that highly placed sources in her ward(a Colorado Highway Patrolman and a grunt in the Colorado National Guard) hereafter referred to as Barney and Gomer, have been spreading the word that there is an Al-Qaeda training camp about an hour and a half away from the Ward House in the heretofore charmingly quaint, peaceful town of Buena Vista.

The next morning we ventured over to Aspen to hob-knob with the beautiful people. We knew we would fit Right in. As it was getting on to lunch time I offered to buy lunch. We saw a lady sitting on a bench eating from a McDonald's bag. We looked around and couldn't locate the restaurant. We were both too embarrassed to ask as we didn't want to appear to be a couple of hicks from out of town. We walked around the block to the next most logical establishment. It was Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Linen tablecloths, wine list five pages long and a snooty host. How could we go wrong. They actually had a ten-dollar cheeseburger on the menu that I thought sounded good as long as they gave us an extra plate and a sharp knife with which to cut the burger in half. They had some other tempting items in the $30-50 range but I wasn't sure if they accepted food stamps. I thought we should go for it and told Rhonda the choice was hers. Well after momentary consideration, she said no. I was kind of disappointed. They had some great linen napkins that really work well as shop towels. We we went back to the truck hoping to find a Kwikee Mart in the area. I take solace in the fact, however, at Judgment Day when asked how I treated my wife during our mortal probation I will be able to proclaim " I offered to take her to lunch at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse." I think this might cancel out any problems I might have for never going to Sunday School.

We left Vail and headed for a very scenic drive over Independence Pass. It was a great drive. 'The elevation at the top is 12,095'. It's a somewhat scary road.

As we descended from the pass I realized that when we got to the bottom, we would be but 20 miles from Buena Vista where, according to Barney and Gomer, Al-Qaeda was planning to launch the next jihad.

We decided to drive into Buena Vista and in a very nonchalant fashion check for any subversive activities.

As we approached town, I told Rhonda to keep n eye on the roadside to see if she could spot any roadside bombs. I told her I would watch the male population to see if I could spot anyone with a scruffy beard and a cloth diaper on their head.

After driving the length of the main street, and finding nothing more than a few local red-necks and some real ugly biker chicks, we decided it was most likely just Mormon gossip and perhaps Barney and Gomer had had a little too much caffeine.

We decided to end this fact-finding mission at the Local 7-11. I decided to check the restroom for bomb-making equipment. There was none. Rhonda checked the inside of several candy bar wrappers to check for coded messages. She found none. There were no Happy Ramadan greeting cards in the store.

I had just about discounted the whole idea as I approached the check-out counter with my health food and vitamins. Then something caught my eye. The clerk was a middle-aged woman of rather generous proportions. There was something unsettling about her.(Other than her proportions). Her official name tag said "Bambi'. I was convinced this woman was no Bambi. As soon as I had computer access again, I decided to research the name Bambi. I could find no direct translation in Arabic for this name however one site said it is possibly an Arabic phase more accurately spelled Bahm-Bea. Two possible meanings listed were 1. Death to the infidels and 2. Fresh coffee every 20 minutes. I'm still not sure.

Buy something or Move Along

1. 

Today, I decided that I might want to go and see Rhonda at Deseret Book and see if she is still serving the needs of the book buying public with her usual flair and tenacity. As I entered the store she was telling four patrons who were just standing and chatting to take it outside. She told them if they were not actively buying, they needed to go stand around at Seagull Book or better yet the Bus Station. There is more floor space there.
I have included a few pictures of Rhonda at her finest. She is best at the register where she constantly causes all manner of folks to max out their credit cards, drain their purses and wallets, access their home-equity lines or sell their Grandmother's priceless ring to pay for a few more spiritual items to help ensure their entry in to the Celestial Kingdom. If you are a Bishop, beware. The folks that Rhonda rings up usually show up next Sunday after church seeking assistance for their water bill, heat bill, or a food order. It doesn't matter a persons current financial situation. She is equal-opportunity merciless.
The picture of the 4 people standing at the register is misleading. This is not idle chit-chat. They have dealt with Rhonda before and they are discussing whether they have enough money if they pool all their resources to make at least one purchase.(Platinum upgrade is required for an extra 25 bucks).
The picture or Rhonda making a rude gesture was made when a General Authority told her he did not want to purchase an upgrade because she has already sold his wife three of them in the last 6 months. At least she had the decency to wait until his he was walking away from her to flash her own personal Deseret Book gang sign at him.
There is a hand written note on the front door courtesy of Rhonda. It says "We are short of help today. Please no silly questions, no refund requests, and do not ask where the restrooms are. Have your money ready. We are going green. Bring your own shopping bag."
No wonder she is tired when she gets home.

Job Hunt

Due to the fact I had some extra time on my hands Wednesday, I decided that it could be well spent seeking employment. As luck would have it, I decided the Mirror Lake Highway might be a good place to start. It always helps to look where there is not much competition for the available positions. As I hit the summit at Bald Mountain, goats appeared on the side of the road. At first I thought that someone had left the gate open at Mickey's house. Then I realized that the goats were not domesticated Tooele County goats but they were the real deal. Oreamnos Americianus, or Wild Mountain Goats.
We had a staring contest for several minutes. Then a car bearing Wyoming plates stopped.(Most likely another job seeker). She was not what you would call pretty. Not even close. With one glance she scared the goats back up the mountain and me down the highway. I'm still looking for a job.

KANGAROO COURT CASHIER

A short road trip today took me to the quaint town of Grantsville, Utah. I stopped at the city office to see what my youngest might be doing. She recently changed careers from taking crap from people(she worked as a restaurant server), to that of giving a lot of crap to people. She is now the cashier in charge of collecting fines for Chief Wiggum and the Police Department and also collecting money for the water bills of the local citizenry.
Annie seems to be well suited for this role. After waiting tables for several years, and listening to the endless complaints of numerous customers, I think Annie was just about out of nice.
I think her supply of civility was nearly exhausted. A change of scenery seems to have done wonders for her. The picture of her smiling was taken just after she told the water department foreman to shut off the water at the local senior citizens center. She explained that she was doing this to help slow the flow and all of those old people that frequent the center had used more water in their long lifetimes than they actually deserved. She sees this as effective governmental decision making. I also saw her smile like this when she told someone that if she had her way the fine for all speeding tickets would be doubled, not just the ones in a construction zone. In the picture where Annie appears to have her eyes closed, she is actually dozing off while a local scofflaw is telling her that if he pays his $150.00 fine for speeding he will not be able to pay his $150.00 water bill. Annie told him to pay the speeding fine. The water would be shut off but he could at least drive himself to the city hall and use the water fountain in the front hall but only Mon-Fri 9a-5p and don't show up on one of the 39 legal federal, state, county, and city holidays.
If you happen to to need to pay a fine or assessment at her desk, treat it like you were at the Soup Nazi's Kitchen. No light chit-chat, no witty banter, no idle conversation. Also, please have the correct change. Annie doesn't like to make change. Ask for a receipt at your own risk.