Happy Festivus

I know I have been gone from Blogville for quite awhile. Too many distractions in my life over the last few months. Plus, it is a full time job just trying to keep Rhonda happy. But for the first time in about 47 years, I think I have the Christmas spirit. I'm not kidding about this. From the time I was around 14 years old, every job I have had has been Christmas intensive.(yes that makes me 61). I understand completely Rhonda's lack of Christmas spirit as she now has about 25 years of dealing with the rudest, cheapest, nastiest, dumbest most inconsiderate shoppers ever sent here, I.E. Mormons.
Last night Rhonda was at the church helping with a wedding reception. I tried some of the chicken Surprise and it did not set too well with me so I left and went to Lowe's Home Improvement. I decided to deposit the chicken surprise on row B space 4 and then I felt more like getting in the spirit of the season I wound up actually buying the tree shown above. I also bought decorations for the tree because there is no way in Zion I'm going into the basement to look for any decorations from years past.
Well the above photo(s) are the end result. I must say, this bad economy has really helped me with the Christmas Season. When I went into Lowe's there were actually employees there to help you. Things were not terribly picked over. It was nice to browse without feeling like anytime you stopped in an isle you were going to get a shopping cart colonoscopy. There were several employees who spoke English.(Can't say the same for K-Mart). No one in the check-out line. Very courteous clerk. Truck parked very close to the door. What a great start to Christmas.
I didn't tell Rhonda what I had done, so today while she was away dealing with the idiots, I put the tree together, decorated it and even vacuumed the living room.
I think after 47 years I've found what it takes to get me in the Christmas Spirit. I think it's called unemployment.

Which Line Were You In?

It has been quite some time since I have posted anything. It is difficult with my schedule to find the time to post. Included in my daily routine are 4-6 hours of scripture study, 1-2 hours of praying, 10-12 hours of neighborhood watch, and countless acts of charitable service. Thus, I have not been able to include much time for posting. I have ,however, been able to keep up on the blogs I regularly read.



One such post that caught my eye was posted on the Would Be Writers Guild blog and it concerned freshman year in college. Although my freshman year was a long, long time ago, I still remember a few things about it.



To give you an idea of how long ago it was, consider the fact tuition was $86.00 per quarter. Also we were just starting to use computers for things like class registration. Bear in mind that a computer back then was capable of doing about 1/20th of what a cheap lap-top can do now. Also the actual computer itself was about the size of New Jersey or about 1/2 the size of Barrack Obama's Ego.



Registration day was in order of which class you were in. Seniors first, juniors second, sophomores third and lowly freshman last. If it was determined that you needed remedial classes, It could take even longer. Classwork usually started around the 3rd Monday in September. I was still trying to register in October.



When your appointed time came you went to the field house, catalog and class schedule in hand, hoping to land some classes that would help you fill requirements for your major or at least fill general requirements... It was then that you learned about lines.



The process required that you stood in lines of varying length to procure a computer card that would eventually be turned into the registrar, thus insuring your place in the chosen class.



It took about an hour to come to the realization that when registering on the last day, there were absolutely no classes available that you had considered that were not already full. There was nothing that would work with-in your own time frame. The only classes left were 5:45 a.m starts or 8:30 p.m. starts or perhaps something with a 3 hour lab on Saturday morning starting at 6:45 a.am.



The lines became easier to read the longer you were in them. Short lines meant that the class was full and some students were just trying to beg or bribe their way into the class. Some of the methods included the well-worn statement "Do you know who my father is?" Other ways included some of the female students trying to get into the class by showing a little too much skin or too much batting of mascara lined eyebrows. The field house was the first public venue other than the beach where I saw a girl with a bare midriff. I think it emotionally damaged me for life. This girl had no business baring anything. The total length of the stretch marks on her generously proportioned mid-section were about equal in length to the new Legacy Highway.



If the line was long, you knew it was a class in high demand either because it was a general education requirement or it had a reputation of being the easiest class ever taken.



If at anytime during the process you were able to actually get to the front of the line, and if they had any space left in the class, you were then given a computer card much like the ones with the hanging chads, that you held onto until the end of the session when you turned them into the registrar to start the new quarter.



After standing in numerous lines, the interesting part of the registration process took place. There was another way to get classes that were already full. There was active trading of class cards inside the field house. The reasons for this were many. Some students just stood in as many lines as they could to get as many cards as possible just to be able to trade for something they really wanted. I remember getting a freshman English class card from some hippie-looking doofus because by 2p.m. he decided that college wasn't for him, and he was going off to join the peace corps. I traded a class in beginning Hebrew to a young Zit farmer from Burley, Idaho after he told me he was going to send in his Mission papers after the first of the year. He had a freshman history class card that I needed so I told him that I heard the church was going to be opening up missionary work in Israel and he might want to get a head start on the language. By the end of the day if you had any smarts at all you could usually get a schedule that at least would keep you from being drafted.



But once you determined that your schedule was set, you checked and re-checked and analyzed your decision. You were about to reach the point of no return. Once the cards were handed to the registrar, that was it. Your schedule was set in stone. Not even a Presidential Mandate could change it. It would be easier to have a sex-change operation in a Provo Utah hospital than change your classes at WSC.



I think,perhaps we can draw some parallels to the pre-existence. For those of you who read this that are not LDS, let me explain that Mormons believe in a life before this life. While not clear on everything that transpired before we came to earth, I think I might be able to shed some light on our mortality registration day.



I would bet there were plenty of lines in the field house of the pre-existence. The lines were not for specific classes but rather for earthly talents, skills, attributes etc. I think you were allotted so much time to gather your earthly cards, analyze them, trade them, ponder over them and then turn them in to the gatekeeper.(heretofore referred to as the registrar). Once again, the turning in of the cards was an ominous time. Once those cards were turned in, it becomes almost impossible to change them.



I am pretty sure I did better at college registration than I did at earthly registration. For pre-existence registration, I know for a fact I spent a long time in the skinny line. I also spent time in the wonderful Irish Tenor line. I'm pretty sure I was standing in the money line with Bill Gates. I was almost to the front of the Mensa Society line at one time. Although I would like to have been in the super athlete line, it was not to be. I couldn't even find the normal coordination line.I know for a fact that I spent time in the never-go-bald line. I think I was suckered into a few bad trades by skinny, smart, athletic, talented rich people in the pre-existence.



That being said, I have determined that I am going to embark on a quest to trade some of my cards. I know I said it was next to impossible. But that's what I thought in college before I was able to get rid of my introduction to quantum physics class for an advanced bowling class



I am even prepared to make a contest out of this. I have participated in some contests on other blogs and have enjoyed doing so.. The main difference between my contest and other that I have participated in is that mine will be FAIR. It will be fair because it will be my contest, with my rules and I will be the final judge.



All you have to do to win is be the first one to tell what card or cards I have exchanged. This might happen very quickly(like hair plugs) or it could take a long long time(like effective singing lessons). Nonetheless be the first to be correct and you will win a great prize. I'm not going to divulge the prize until I declare a winner. Please rest assure that It will be a prize befitting both yours and my position. I do not usually deal in cheap and tawdry items. let the games begin.
Also Rhonda, Ryan, Barb, Liz, Shawn, Katie, Mike, Annie and Dan are not elegible to participate in the contest. I've already spoiled them too much.

Baghdad in Colorado

Just a quick update on my latest road trip/fact-finding excursion to Colorado. It was grandson Mikey's 6th birthday so Rhonda and I made another foray into yuppie-ville. We had a great time. Shawn and Liz are excellent at hosting free-loaders. Anna, however needs to work on sharing the remote control. We went on some scenic drives, had too-much birthday cake but we didn't get arrested or hospitalized. Mikey had a great time. There were about 40 or 50 people at the birthday party. Most of them were friends from Shawn's work and members of their ward.

Sometime around the time we were in the church mode, Liz told us that highly placed sources in her ward(a Colorado Highway Patrolman and a grunt in the Colorado National Guard) hereafter referred to as Barney and Gomer, have been spreading the word that there is an Al-Qaeda training camp about an hour and a half away from the Ward House in the heretofore charmingly quaint, peaceful town of Buena Vista.

The next morning we ventured over to Aspen to hob-knob with the beautiful people. We knew we would fit Right in. As it was getting on to lunch time I offered to buy lunch. We saw a lady sitting on a bench eating from a McDonald's bag. We looked around and couldn't locate the restaurant. We were both too embarrassed to ask as we didn't want to appear to be a couple of hicks from out of town. We walked around the block to the next most logical establishment. It was Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Linen tablecloths, wine list five pages long and a snooty host. How could we go wrong. They actually had a ten-dollar cheeseburger on the menu that I thought sounded good as long as they gave us an extra plate and a sharp knife with which to cut the burger in half. They had some other tempting items in the $30-50 range but I wasn't sure if they accepted food stamps. I thought we should go for it and told Rhonda the choice was hers. Well after momentary consideration, she said no. I was kind of disappointed. They had some great linen napkins that really work well as shop towels. We we went back to the truck hoping to find a Kwikee Mart in the area. I take solace in the fact, however, at Judgment Day when asked how I treated my wife during our mortal probation I will be able to proclaim " I offered to take her to lunch at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse." I think this might cancel out any problems I might have for never going to Sunday School.

We left Vail and headed for a very scenic drive over Independence Pass. It was a great drive. 'The elevation at the top is 12,095'. It's a somewhat scary road.

As we descended from the pass I realized that when we got to the bottom, we would be but 20 miles from Buena Vista where, according to Barney and Gomer, Al-Qaeda was planning to launch the next jihad.

We decided to drive into Buena Vista and in a very nonchalant fashion check for any subversive activities.

As we approached town, I told Rhonda to keep n eye on the roadside to see if she could spot any roadside bombs. I told her I would watch the male population to see if I could spot anyone with a scruffy beard and a cloth diaper on their head.

After driving the length of the main street, and finding nothing more than a few local red-necks and some real ugly biker chicks, we decided it was most likely just Mormon gossip and perhaps Barney and Gomer had had a little too much caffeine.

We decided to end this fact-finding mission at the Local 7-11. I decided to check the restroom for bomb-making equipment. There was none. Rhonda checked the inside of several candy bar wrappers to check for coded messages. She found none. There were no Happy Ramadan greeting cards in the store.

I had just about discounted the whole idea as I approached the check-out counter with my health food and vitamins. Then something caught my eye. The clerk was a middle-aged woman of rather generous proportions. There was something unsettling about her.(Other than her proportions). Her official name tag said "Bambi'. I was convinced this woman was no Bambi. As soon as I had computer access again, I decided to research the name Bambi. I could find no direct translation in Arabic for this name however one site said it is possibly an Arabic phase more accurately spelled Bahm-Bea. Two possible meanings listed were 1. Death to the infidels and 2. Fresh coffee every 20 minutes. I'm still not sure.

Buy something or Move Along

1. 

Today, I decided that I might want to go and see Rhonda at Deseret Book and see if she is still serving the needs of the book buying public with her usual flair and tenacity. As I entered the store she was telling four patrons who were just standing and chatting to take it outside. She told them if they were not actively buying, they needed to go stand around at Seagull Book or better yet the Bus Station. There is more floor space there.
I have included a few pictures of Rhonda at her finest. She is best at the register where she constantly causes all manner of folks to max out their credit cards, drain their purses and wallets, access their home-equity lines or sell their Grandmother's priceless ring to pay for a few more spiritual items to help ensure their entry in to the Celestial Kingdom. If you are a Bishop, beware. The folks that Rhonda rings up usually show up next Sunday after church seeking assistance for their water bill, heat bill, or a food order. It doesn't matter a persons current financial situation. She is equal-opportunity merciless.
The picture of the 4 people standing at the register is misleading. This is not idle chit-chat. They have dealt with Rhonda before and they are discussing whether they have enough money if they pool all their resources to make at least one purchase.(Platinum upgrade is required for an extra 25 bucks).
The picture or Rhonda making a rude gesture was made when a General Authority told her he did not want to purchase an upgrade because she has already sold his wife three of them in the last 6 months. At least she had the decency to wait until his he was walking away from her to flash her own personal Deseret Book gang sign at him.
There is a hand written note on the front door courtesy of Rhonda. It says "We are short of help today. Please no silly questions, no refund requests, and do not ask where the restrooms are. Have your money ready. We are going green. Bring your own shopping bag."
No wonder she is tired when she gets home.

Job Hunt

Due to the fact I had some extra time on my hands Wednesday, I decided that it could be well spent seeking employment. As luck would have it, I decided the Mirror Lake Highway might be a good place to start. It always helps to look where there is not much competition for the available positions. As I hit the summit at Bald Mountain, goats appeared on the side of the road. At first I thought that someone had left the gate open at Mickey's house. Then I realized that the goats were not domesticated Tooele County goats but they were the real deal. Oreamnos Americianus, or Wild Mountain Goats.
We had a staring contest for several minutes. Then a car bearing Wyoming plates stopped.(Most likely another job seeker). She was not what you would call pretty. Not even close. With one glance she scared the goats back up the mountain and me down the highway. I'm still looking for a job.

KANGAROO COURT CASHIER

A short road trip today took me to the quaint town of Grantsville, Utah. I stopped at the city office to see what my youngest might be doing. She recently changed careers from taking crap from people(she worked as a restaurant server), to that of giving a lot of crap to people. She is now the cashier in charge of collecting fines for Chief Wiggum and the Police Department and also collecting money for the water bills of the local citizenry.
Annie seems to be well suited for this role. After waiting tables for several years, and listening to the endless complaints of numerous customers, I think Annie was just about out of nice.
I think her supply of civility was nearly exhausted. A change of scenery seems to have done wonders for her. The picture of her smiling was taken just after she told the water department foreman to shut off the water at the local senior citizens center. She explained that she was doing this to help slow the flow and all of those old people that frequent the center had used more water in their long lifetimes than they actually deserved. She sees this as effective governmental decision making. I also saw her smile like this when she told someone that if she had her way the fine for all speeding tickets would be doubled, not just the ones in a construction zone. In the picture where Annie appears to have her eyes closed, she is actually dozing off while a local scofflaw is telling her that if he pays his $150.00 fine for speeding he will not be able to pay his $150.00 water bill. Annie told him to pay the speeding fine. The water would be shut off but he could at least drive himself to the city hall and use the water fountain in the front hall but only Mon-Fri 9a-5p and don't show up on one of the 39 legal federal, state, county, and city holidays.
If you happen to to need to pay a fine or assessment at her desk, treat it like you were at the Soup Nazi's Kitchen. No light chit-chat, no witty banter, no idle conversation. Also, please have the correct change. Annie doesn't like to make change. Ask for a receipt at your own risk.

What's next? No Breathing?

Today I was out and about on one of my weekly fact-finding runs when I came across this sign stenciled onto the side of a circa 1935 Union Pacific Railroad Passenger Car. Surprising to some, I would imagine, this sign was not spotted in Tooele County. I found this gem on a railroad siding in Evanston, Wyoming.
I was wondering who was responsible for this most intriguing regulation and I came up with the following possibilities.

1.. As it was on a railroad car, perhaps the railroad was responsible. I know that too much swaying of a railroad car from side-to-side cause uneven wear on the rails and ties and thus increases maintenance costs. So it would be in the railroads best interests to put a halt to any unnecessary movement in the rail cars.

2. Perhaps the government is behind this. They have been known to use advertising to promote some programs they are behind. I.E. Smokey the Bear, anti-smoking, Baby-your-baby, slow the flow, etc. Now that the are realizing that free condoms in the middle and grade schools aren't working they could be doing a PR campaign for abstinence.

3. In the days prior to commercial air travel, all college football teams traveled by train. Perhaps this was a special Charter Car for the BYU Team.

4. Before the days of televangelists and television those spreading the good word would sometimes charter train cars for travel from motel to motel. I mean from city to city. I can almost see Jimmy Swaggart waving from the platform of this car to all the sinners across the country.

If any of you know the actual reason this is on this car, I will be rightly impressed. In all honesty don't think its any of the above reasons

Only in Tooele County

Just Returned from a day-long drive in Northern Nevada and Western Utah. While snooping around in Wendover, on the Utah side of the border, I decided to take a look at the old Air Base. There is a great deal of history there as it was the training site for the bomber crews who ended WWII by dropping atomic bombs on Japan. As turned off the main street to go to the base, the above sign caught my eye.
I really wasn't sure if someone was recruiting, selling, renting or otherwise trafficking in human flesh. I thought that maybe the railroad was recruiting as Chinese labor was responsible for the building of the Central Pacific Railroad from Sacramento to Promontory Point. Perhaps the labor pool of Hispanics is running low and the Casinos are now recruiting Asians. None the less, I was borderline appalled at this Politically incorrect solicitation.
I decided to See where the sign would take me and I went down the street looking for something that resembled an opium den or at least a Chinese Buffet. I had my camera ready and was ready to document this sordid mess for the UN Commission on Human Rights or perhaps Get Gephardt on channel 2. I looked for another sign to confirm my fears. There were none. I drove back to the general vicinity of the original sign to try and obtain more info. I found the information on the other side of the sign. Again, it said Coolies, However, in very small writing
underneath it made reference to snow cones. Sadly I put my camera away. I would not be calling the UN or Bill Gephardt. I'm still not sure if calling Snow cones coolies is Politically Correct.

Alaska, Canada (eh), and Colorado

Now that I'm back in Zion for the foreseeable future, I thinks it's time to make a few casual observations about the areas and the people I've encountered over the last few weeks. I have no poof positive about anything I have observed or will comment on. There are no double-blind studies to validate what I have to say. I have no data to corroborate any my of statements. It is just the ramblings of someone who likes to observe.

1. Bicycles are found in abundance in Colorado and in Skagway. In Skagway, they are the primary means of transportation for many of the townsfolk. The town is only 4 blocks wide and 28 blocks long so they are very useful there. Bicycles are found in abundance in Colorado usually on top of a Volvo or a Range-rover or some other like vehicle that will attest to the owners high ranking in yuppieville. You will never see a bike on the top of a car in Skagway. That area is reserved for the latest dead big-game animal as it is paraded around town to be envied by all the locals. If you need to transport your bike by vehicle, it is usually done in the back of a 1968 vintage pick-up truck that is so rusted you can't tell the original color of said vehicle. I believe Colorado has laws against vehicles older that 3 or 4 years. You might, however, see rust on the bike rack on top of the cars in Colorado. It's there because the bike has been up on top of the car for more than a year without being taken off. You must have a bike in Colorado. It is not, however, necessary to ride said bike. You need only to make people think you are eco-friendly and health conscious. There are not very many bikes in Western Canada. The Principal for of transportation after the automobile seems to be an ATV. They are everywhere in rural Canada. No more herding cows or sheep with horses and dogs. Now the round-up is done with A Honda Bone Rattler 500 or a Suzuki Cow Puncher 300ZXT. So much for idyllic images of the old west.
2. Observations concerning the fairer sex. I would not want to make a living by trying to sell make-up in Western Canada. I think most of the women there think the Clinque Counter is a government official who is in charge of counting and keeping track of the Clinque's. Blush is the name of a rash contracted by scraping up road kill and eating it before it is fully cured. They all, however, have great personalities. By way of observation there are far too many women in Colorado who look like the before photo for the eating disorder clinic. If being healthy means weighing 83 lbs. and having legs that look like 7-11 slurpee straws, I guess I just don't get it..Alaska women are a different lot. Healthy to say the least. As an added bonus, they provide heat in the winter and shade in the summer.

That's all for now. I've included this picture to show 6 of the nine reasons I decided to come home early.

God Bless Our Neighbor

I knew yesterday that a neighbor who has been in Iraq for the last year had come home. Today as I rounded the corner on 6th Ave, this is what I saw. This is Mark and Hillary Evans home. Mark has been involved with the young men in the ward, so I think they are probably responsible for this. Mark has been gone quite a long time. This was his second tour of duty in the Mideast. I know he has been in harms way. He has a beautiful little girl about two years old that he hasn't been able to hold for too long a time. I couldn't handle being gone from my family for even a month. I don't know the family did it. If you make a practice of praying, please thank God for all the Mark and Hillary Evans in this country.

Return to Zion

Well things have worked out differently than I thought they would. After only a month in Skagway, I have returned home. There were some issues that couldn't be resolved in Skagway so I decided to brighten Rhonda's life by returning...No I'm not sick...(no more than usual) but lots of small things added up and I decided to return home. In the coming days, I will be posting some observations of my month long sabbatical and updating things from time time to time. I'm really glad to be home because of one major reason. I really missed Rhonda.

Bring Your Own Milk

Here in Skagway, this is the only market. If you like milk, it currently is priced at $6.28 per gallon. The market tends to run out of some of the basics like diet coke and frozen burritos. There is an ample supply, however, of what is alleged to be chicken(different shades of green and gray) some multi-colored cheese and bread for $3.00 per loaf. The supply ship comes in every Tuesday evening. You generally want to make it to the store no later than Thursday. There is an acceptable supply of fish. It's in a can labeled Starkist. There is also an ample supply of all kinds of jerky, chewin' tobacco , and all the recent issues of Guns and Ammo Magazine. I don't think they accept your fresh-value cards, either.

No Oprah up here

Well here at the Empty Arms in Skagway we are fortunate to have cable TV. All 8 channels. One is C-span, one is the shopping network, and I think the other 6 all have to due with something outdoorsy. Lots of huntin, killin, swearing, hidin in the bushes and other such red-neck fun. The last 10 minutes of the program are usually reserved for letting the old-lady hone her backwoods culinary skills over a Coleman stove. After ingesting the poor unfortunate animal, the proud hunters usually relive the excitement of the hunt and then smash beer cans against their heads and pass some gas. The picture in this post is of some poor unfortunate Alaskan animal who is about to be dispatched to the other side. I can't tell what kind of animal this is because the picture on the TV is not too great. Please rest assured, however that it will be mighty tasty.

Does she look scared?

Can you say apprehensive? This is MC boarding Wings in the Water Airline in Skagway to start her trip back to Zion. She wasn't too thrilled about this leg of the flight. But she told me she never even opened her book during the 50 minute flight Juneau. She must never have opened her eyes.
Just before going to the airport, we went to the only cafe that is open this time of year. Don't get hungry in the evening because it closes at 3pm. She looks real excited about
1.her flight
2. her hamburger
3. not being able to read for 50 minutes. She sure is fun to travel with.

I don't think we're in Midvale anymore.

Well here's mother clucker some 2500 miles or is it 3867km from home. It only took us 4 days and $500.00 in gas to get this far. I think its been a day and a half since we have seen another car from the USA.Rhonda is really enjoying the scenery. She's finished 51/2 books so far. Every so often she looks up to see if there is a restroom or a Del Taco nearby. That's all for now . This is my first official post. I want to see if this actually works.